A Great Cloud of Expectations

When we don't know what we want, we usually succumb to the pressure of expectations without knowing what we consciously agree with or object to. Knowing what we want is difficult at times. Knowing what we do not want is much clearer and easier because we react strongly. This is a good beginning to finding our way. When faced with complexity, we can at least know what we think in terms of an objection or a negation-- "not this". That is why we so often hear from detractors, curmudgeons and naysayers. While they can be distracting or annoying, they do serve a function by helping us to capture the expectations floating around before they land on us.

When expectations stay abstract to us, they are able to surround us quickly and meet us at every turn. To add to the daily pressures, we believe we should be attracting and following destinies as well as fulfilling expectations. Because there are so many demands on our resources, and because those demands come at us in rapid-fire, we need to get closer to the answer of what we do want, so that we can make decisions about those resources more rapidly in turn, from a strong position of knowing ourselves.

Because the question "What am I expecting?" can feel as nebulous as "what do I want?", a more useful exercise is to finish the phrase "Don't expect me to…". This is a first step only, and should be viewed as a minor rebellion that is forming in the privacy of our own minds, journals, and possibly with a therapist or a trusted friend. Of course, the comments section of this post is a safe place as well.

If I were to finish this phrase, I might say things to myself like,

"Don't expect me to be at my best every day."

"Don't expect me to give you everything you want."

"Don't expect me to solve every problem that arises to the satisfaction of all."

I wouldn't make any of these statements to someone in authority over me, or to someone who would hear them as accusations and be hurt by them. They are for me to hear. When I say them aloud, I'm hearing that I often expect myself to perform at a peak every day, which isn't logical. I often expect myself to be able to give myself all that I wish for, which isn't possible. I often expect myself to to solve problems that might not be solvable, which isn't rational.

When I don't periodically check in with myself in this way, the expectations build up like patriotic anthems that play in the background, with flag-waving and cheering as I go along. On one day I might feel expansive and full of myself, saying yes and agreeing with everyone. I can meet expectations as easily as throwing candy to the crowd. As hours march by, I can feel that way, until I hit a pot hole and a wheel comes off. The next day, I feel bewildered and betrayed by my own efforts. After all, I had given myself a mandate to be all things to all people. What could possibly go wrong?

After my follies have a bit of fun with me, and I find my sense of humor again, I can ponder the next step, which is expressing myself. Communicating these statements to someone should be done only after we have given ourselves enough time to experience the feelings that come up as we recognize how we have been working against our best interests. During times of routine, we can consider the phrasing of our statements more carefully, and even moreso, to whom we voice them. But in times of extremity, we can use them as precise shots when we need to defend ourselves from a strategy that is clearly meant to thwart our progress.

On many days, we might feel that the world around us is pressing against us, full of demands; but in fairness, we should recognize that the expectations we have are too great, and trying to meet them all will only sabotage our true greatness.